The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

Home
>
Attraction
>
The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.

But for a while....

You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed into a "friend crush".

You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?

What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?

Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:

* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo

In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still have your friend.

* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthen

This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.

* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way

If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.

* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new feelings for them

This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current friendship.

Why?

Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.

Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.

The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.

Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly. http://www.consum-mate.com

In The News:

Yahoo! News: Top Stories

Geithner likely treasury pick; Clinton 'on track' (AP)

AP - President-elect Barack Obama is likely to name Timothy Geithner, president of the New York Federal Reserve, as Treasury Secretary in a time of intense economic turmoil as he rounds out the upper echelon of his Cabinet, a senior Democratic official familiar with the deliberations said Friday.

Dow ends up nearly 500 on Geithner treasury report (AP)

AP - Wall Street staged a surprising comeback Friday, with the major indexes jumping more than 5 percent and the Dow Jones industrials surging nearly 500 points in a late afternoon rally, ending another volatile week that saw stocks reach six-year lows.

Neb. lawmakers OK age limit for safe-haven law (AP)

AP - Gov. Dave Heineman signed into law Friday a bill adding a 30-day age limit to a safe-haven law that allowed 35 children Â— including teenagers as old as 17 Â— to be abandoned at state hospitals. The law, approved hours earlier by the Legislature in a 45-3 vote, goes into effect Saturday, and makes Nebraska the 14th state with a 30-day age cap. It had been the only state with a safe-haven law without an age limit.

Iraqi Shiites burn Bush effigy in anti-US protest (AP)

AP - Chanting "no to America," supporters of a radical Shiite cleric burned an effigy of President George W. Bush Friday in a protest demanding parliament scuttle a U.S.-Iraqi security pact and American troops begin withdrawing from Iraq immediately.

Air patrols, cameras to watch big inaugural crowd (AP)

AP - Law enforcement officials bracing for the largest crowds in inaugural history are preparing far-reaching security Â— thousands of video cameras, sharpshooters, air patrols Â— to safeguard President-elect Barack Obama's swearing-in.

Fla. teen commits suicide with live Web audience (AP)

AP - A college student committed suicide by taking a drug overdose in front of a live webcam as some computer users egged him on, others tried to talk him out of it, and another messaged OMG in horror when it became clear it was no joke.

Prosecutor who had Cheney indicted yells at judge (AP)

AP - A county prosecutor who brought indictments this week against Vice President Dick Cheney and others pounded his fist and shouted at the judge Friday during a routine hearing. Willacy County District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra asked Presiding Judge Manuel Banales to recuse himself from the case, which alleges abuse at federally run prisons.

Lavish 1,800 year-old bronze chariot unearthed in Bulgaria (AP)

AP - Archaeologists have unearthed an elaborately decorated 1,800-year-old chariot sheathed in bronze at an ancient Thracian tomb in southeastern Bulgaria, the head of the excavation said Friday. "The lavishly ornamented four-wheel chariot dates back to the end of the second century A.D.," Veselin Ignatov told The Associated Press in a telephone interview from the site, near the southeastern village of Karanovo.

Suspect arrested for greasy imprints in Neb. town (AP)

AP - Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."

Warriors swap Harrington for Knicks' Crawford (AP)

AP - The Golden State Warriors traded disgruntled forward Al Harrington to the Knicks for guard Jamal Crawford on Friday in a swap that addresses both the Warriors' injury problems and New York's salary cap concerns. "I drafted Al back in 1998, and I think his talents are a great fit for our style of play," Knicks president Donnie Walsh said in announcing the deal in a statement. "This trade also gives us more long-term flexibility while enabling us to remain competitive this season."

Geithner reportedly picked for Treasury; Clinton still in talks (Reuters)

Reuters - President-elect Barack Obama has selected Timothy Geithner as Treasury secretary, charging the respected head of the New York Federal Reserve with pulling the United States out of an economic nosedive, NBC news reported on Friday.

Bailout debate simmers as GM pares output (Reuters)

Reuters - Detroit automakers began work on the turnaround plans demanded by Congress in return for a possible $25 billion rescue as General Motors Corp said it will cut production more deeply and drop two of its controversial corporate jets.

Citigroup shares drop; CEO plans to keep Smith Barney (Reuters)

Reuters - Citigroup Inc Chief Executive Vikram Pandit tried to downplay speculation the banking giant might sell major businesses to restore its health and investor confidence, but shares still tumbled for a fifth straight day.

Obama eyes Summers as adviser, could go to Fed: report (Reuters)

Reuters - President-elect Barack Obama is likely to name former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers as an economic adviser with the expectation that he will eventually be tapped for the Federal Reserve Board, The New York Times reported on Friday.

U.S. seeks Afghan troop increase before elections (Reuters)

Reuters - U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said on Friday he expected to move five combat brigades into Afghanistan next year and wanted at least some of them in place before the country's election next fall, stressing this was a top priority.

Bush, Hu to meet ahead of APEC summit (Reuters)

Reuters - U.S. President George W. Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao planned to discuss North Korea's nuclear program on Friday evening as Asia Pacific leaders gathered for an annual economic summit amid the worst financial crisis since the 1930s.

Iran rejects U.S. reports it has basis for atom bomb (Reuters)

Reuters - Iran rejected Friday U.S. reports it had enriched enough uranium to make an atom bomb, saying this would require steps it had ruled out like ejecting U.N. inspectors and leaving the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT).

Kirkuk-Ceyhan pipeline on fire after attack: TV (Reuters)

Reuters - Unknown assailants launched an attack on the Kirkuk-Ceyhan pipeline between Iraq and Turkey on Friday, triggering a large fire, broadcaster CNN Turk reported.

Bush bows out, China assertive at APEC summit (AFP)

AFP - US President George W. Bush began Friday his last scheduled foreign trip, meeting the leader of increasingly important China ahead of a summit aimed at containing a spiraling financial crisis.

Congo demands stronger mandate for UN troops (AFP)

AFP - Congo demanded a stronger mandate for UN troops in the conflict-torn east Friday, while residents of a squalid refugee camp said government soldiers killed a woman during a looting spree.

The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

Attraction Attraction