Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

  • "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
    -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

  • "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
    -- George Burns

  • "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
    -- George Burns

  • "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
    -- George Burns

  • "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
    -- George Burns

  • "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
    -- George Burns

  • "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
    -- Johnny Carson

  • "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
    Bill Cosby

  • ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
    Bill Cosby

  • "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
    Bill Cosby

  • "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
    Bill Cosby

  • "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
    -- Rita Rudner

  • "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

  • "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
    -- Steven Wright

  • "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
    -- Steven Wright

  • "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
    -- Steven Wright

    Resource Box - © Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
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    In The News:

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    Palestinians pray over the bodies of  people killed near a United Nations school Tuesday, during their funeral in the Jebaliya refugee camp, in the northern Gaza Strip, Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009. Israel's military paused its Gaza offensive for three hours Wednesday to allow food and fuel to reach besieged Palestinians, and the country's leaders debated whether to accept an international cease-fire plan or expand the assault against Hamas. With criticism rising of the operation's spiraling civilian death toll and Gazans increasingly suffering the effects of nonstop airstrikes and shelling, Israel's military said it opened 'humanitarian corridors' to allow aid supplies to reach Palestinians.(AP Photo/Hatem Moussa)AP - Israel resumed its Gaza offensive Wednesday, bombing heavily around suspected smuggling tunnels near the border with Egypt after a three-hour lull to allow in humanitarian aid. Hamas responded with a rocket barrage.



    People looks for jobs in front of computer screens at the California Employment Development Department in Sunnyvale, Calif., Tuesday, Jan. 6, 2009. The country lost nearly 2 million jobs through November and more bad news is expected this week when the government releases data on weekly jobless claims and December unemployment. No matter how bad those numbers are, and economists expect at least another 500,000 jobs were lost last month, the pain is stretching into 2009. (AP Photo/Marcio Jose Sanchez)AP - Pink slips are piling higher as companies scramble to cut costs even deeper to survive the country's economic and financial storms.



    President-elect Barack Obama gestures during a news conference at his transition office in Washington, Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009, where he introduced Nancy Killefer, right, to the newly created position of chief performance officer. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)AP - Pointing with concern to "red ink as far as the eye can see," President-elect Barack Obama pledged Wednesday to tackle out-of-control Social Security and Medicare spending and named a special watchdog to clamp down on other federal programs — even as he campaigned anew to spend the largest pile of taxpayer money in history to revive the sinking economy.



    Illinois U.S. Senate Appointee Roland Burris, left, meets with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nev., Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009, on Capitol Hill in Washington. (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)AP - Senate Democrats beat a hasty retreat Wednesday from their rejection of Roland Burris as President-elect Barack Obama's successor, yielding to pressure from Obama himself and from senators irked that the standoff was draining attention and putting them in a bad light. Burris said with a smile he expected to join them "very shortly."



    President-elect Barack Obama is welcomed by President George W. Bush for a meeting at the White House in Washington, Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009, with former presidents, from left, George H.W. Bush, Bill  Clinton, and Jimmy Carter.  (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)AP - Confronting a grim economy and a Middle East on fire, Barack Obama turned Wednesday to perhaps the only people on the planet who understand what he's in for: the four living members of the U.S. presidents' club.



    In this photo provided by the Washington State Department of Transportation, water rushes past a washed out road near Blewett Pass on U.S. highway 97 in Washington State on Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009 in Washington State. (AP Photo/Washington State Department of Transportation)AP - Rain and high winds lashed Washington state Wednesday, causing widespread avalanches, mudslides, flooding and road closures as the heavy snowfall that has buried parts of the state began to rapidly melt.



    Workers put bulletproof glass on President-elect Barack Obama's Inaugural Reviewing Stand on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House in Washington, Monday, Jan. 5, 2009. (AP Photo/Ron Edmonds)AP - The upcoming inauguration of Barack Obama is an attractive target for international and domestic terrorists, but U.S. intelligence officials have no information about specific threats to the Jan. 20 event.



    Christian Bale accepts the favorite action movie award for 'The Dark Knight' at the 35th Annual People's Choice Awards on Wednesday Jan. 7, 2009 in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)AP - Holy, People's Choice Awards, Batman! "The Dark Knight" soared away with every trophy it was nominated for Wednesday at the 35th annual fan-favorite CBS ceremony. The caped crusader flick won five awards, including favorite cast, superhero, action movie and on-screen matchup for Christian Bale's Batman and the late Heath Ledger's Joker.



    Harvard's Jeremy Lin (4) drives for the basket in front of Boston College's Rakim Sanders in the first half of an NCAA college basketball game Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009, in Boston. (AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)AP - Jeremy Lin scored 27 points to lead Harvard to an 82-70 upset over No. 17 Boston College on Wednesday night, three days after the Eagles upset previously top-ranked North Carolina.



    In this  Sept. 28, 2008 file photo, New York Jets coach Eric Mangini gestures on the sidelines during the third quarter of an NFL football game against the Arizona Cardinals at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. The Cleveland Browns have agreed to hire Eric Mangini as their head coach, a person with knowledge of the negotiations told The Associated Press, Wednesday, Jan. 7, 2009. (AP Photo/Bill Kostroun, File)AP - Eric Mangini is the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns, a week after being fired by the New York Jets. A person with knowledge of the negotiations told The Associated Press that Mangini will be introduced Thursday at a news conference at the team's headquarters in Berea.



    An Israeli soldier stands next to blindfolded Palestinian prisoners after they were arrested during an Israeli military operation in the northern Gaza Strip January 7, 2009, in this picture released by the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF). U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said on Wednesday she had pressed Israel to seriously consider an Egyptian ceasefire plan as the U.N. Security Council weighed action to end Israel's attack on Gaza. (IDF/Handout/Reuters)Reuters - Israeli warplanes bombed the Gaza Strip on Thursday and tanks pounded Palestinian guerrillas on the ground as U.S. backing for a proposed truce raised expectations of an end to the offensive.



    A share trader reacts while checking share prices in front of the German share price index DAX board at the German stock exchange in Frankfurt, December 18, 2008. (Kai Pfaffenbach/Reuters)Reuters - A fresh wave of profit warnings and job cuts soured investor sentiment on Thursday after an employment report suggested U.S. job losses in December could be the worst in almost 60 years.



    Senate-designate Roland Burris talks with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Reid's office on Capitol Hill, January 7, 2009. (Larry Downing/Reuters)Reuters - In an abrupt switch, Democratic leaders began talks on Wednesday to swear in Roland Burris, appointed by embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate.



    President Bush greets President-elect Barack Obama at the White House, November 10, 2008. (Joshua Roberts/Reuters)Reuters - The U.S. budget deficit will swell to a record $1.186 trillion in fiscal 2009, congressional forecasters said on Wednesday, the result of an economic recession that has cut tax receipts and caused massive government bailouts of banks and automakers.



    Reuters - U.S. cities are vulnerable to an attack like the gun-and-grenade assault that terrorized Mumbai for three days and killed 179 people, the White House homeland security adviser said on Wednesday.

    Ali al-Marri, who has been held for 5-1/2 years at a U.S. military prison in South Carolina, is seen in this undated photograph released to Reuters on January 6, 2008. An early test for President-elect Barack Obama will be the case of suspected al Qaeda 'sleeper' agent Marri, which will force Obama to take a position on his predecessor's claim that anyone the president deems a national security threat can be imprisoned indefinitely without charges in the United States. (Handout/Reuters)Reuters - The case of Ali al-Marri, accused of being an al Qaeda "sleeper" agent and held for 5-1/2 years at a U.S. military prison in South Carolina, will be an early test for President-elect Barack Obama.



    Eggs are stacked up at an egg farm in San Diego County, July 29, 2008. (Mike Blake/Reuters)Reuters - An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning has made 388 people sick across 42 states, sending 18 percent of them to the hospital, U.S. health officials said on Wednesday.



    Bernard Madoff is escorted in a vehicle from Federal Court in New York, January 5, 2009. (Lucas Jackson/Reuters)Reuters - Accused swindler Bernard Madoff should be jailed for violating a court order by mailing $1 million worth of diamonds, watches and other jewelry to friends and family, U.S. prosecutors told a court on Wednesday.



    A Palestinian protestor flashes the V for 'victory' sign in front of an Israeli soldier near Damascus Gate in Jerusalem's old city. Israeli warplanes bombed suspected arms-smuggling tunnels in southern Gaza early Thursday, as diplomats worked to secure a ceasefire in an offensive that has killed 700 Palestinians.(AFP/Ahmad Gharabli)AFP - Israeli warplanes bombed suspected arms-smuggling tunnels in southern Gaza early Thursday, as diplomats worked to secure a ceasefire in an offensive that has killed 700 Palestinians.



    A woman looks at a manometer set on a gas pipe at a compressor station in the Ukrainian city of Boyarka. Envoys from Russia and Ukraine go to Brussels on Thursday for emergency EU-brokered talks to resolve a bitter gas fight between the two ex-Soviet giants that has engulfed Europe in a major energy crisis.(AFP/File/Sergei Supinsky)AFP - Envoys from Russia and Ukraine go to Brussels on Thursday for emergency EU-brokered talks to resolve a bitter gas fight between the two ex-Soviet giants that has engulfed Europe in a major energy crisis.




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