Listening Like a Leader

Home
>
Leadership
>
Listening Like a Leader

Our studies of the most effective people in corporate America show that the top 2 percent are effective not because they executed best practices well. They did not make the most phone calls or have the best processes. They simply understood the truth about trust:

People do business with people they like.

They like people they trust.

They trust people who have a detectable level of compassion and competence.

Does it take time to build trust? The truth is that you have known people for five years who still don't trust you, and you've known some for five minutes who do. Our research shows that trust is usually created by showing a detectable level of concern. When people truly believe you are concerned for them, they tend to think you possess good judgment. After all, if you care about them, you must know what you are doing.

So what is the fastest and most effective way to show people that you care and you're competent?

Make sure they feel heard, which is more than just listening. I call it listening like a leader.

You are not a leader unless you have followers; a leader without followers is called a failure. Regardless of your skills, if your staff doesn't feel heard and doesn't trust you, they will always do the minimum. They will watch the clock and be ready to leave at 4:45 every afternoon. They will do just enough each day to avoid getting fired, and they will hope the idea you came up with without their input fails. That's right-you can spend your life delegating to people who want your projects to fail. How smart is that?

OK, you have to listen; I am sure you already know that. The issue is, how well do people really listen? Most studies show that 75 percent of the world's population does not listen well.

Here is an insight that you won't find in many books, keynote speeches or training programs. As a whole, we don't listen very well and it's not our fault! That's right, I am sure you are used to hearing and reading that all of our communication problems are of our making. However, most experts agree that from birth to 5 years of age, we learn more than we will for the rest of our lives.

Even if you earn 15 doctorate degrees in your lifetime, you still acquired most of your knowledge in early childhood. In those formative years, if a child does not feel heard by the adults in its life, it does not possess good listening skills. The bottom line is that it's hard to listen when no one ever listened to you.

Listening is not hereditary.

It's an acquired skill.

Are we going to blame the parents? No! It's difficult to listen to young children when we are trying to look out for their welfare. When my stepdaughter was five, she asked me if Dracula drives a taxi cab. I said, "Well?, I guess if it's a night job. Uh, wait a minute! What kind of question is that?"

She also asked me if she could have a tattoo-not a fake, stick-on tattoo from an ice cream parlor vending machine, but a real one. I said, "No, because you're in kindergarten-and I'm taking the TV out of your room just for asking that question."

People are more likely to follow your example than to follow your advice. We create better listeners by being better listeners. Unfortunately, we don't have much evidence of people returning from communication-training programs as better listeners. It doesn't take a lot of research to figure out that poor listeners get very little from seminars on listening.

So we don't listen and it prevents us from being effective leaders. If we can't do much to improve our listening skills, we have to focus on what we can do in the condition we are in.

The key, then, is to focus on making sure people feel heard. And the first step requires recognizing and recovering from distractions. One day, as I listened to an employee talk about his wants and needs, my mind started to wander. There he was, sharing his core issues, and I'm thinking to myself, "Look at the size of this guy's head!" It was hard to focus. Once I was trying to listen to a prospect on a sales call when I noticed he had red hair, blonde eyebrows and a black mustache. I remember thinking, "It's Mr. Potato Face! Something has to be a stick-on; that's not all him."

After we recover from our own distractions, we have to deal with the real issues at hand. The first of these issues is what I refer to as "the pitch in your head." It can be anything from a preconceived idea that a manager has about an employee, to a practiced presentation that you are dying to spew on your unsuspecting sales victims (prospects, I mean).

Sure, you ask a question just as you were taught to do in your sales or management training program-you know, a question like "Based on what criteria are your decisions made?" As they talk and you diligently pretend to listen, the pitch in your head starts to play; and when the prospect says something that strikes a chord in you, triggering how much you know, your pitch finds the pause it was looking for and off you go.

"I know exactly what you are talking about because I have had many people just like you with this exact same situation. As a matter of fact, it was this time last year and they even looked a lot like you."

You then project your opinion, experience or spiel onto the person as a solution to his or her problem.

Instead of feeling heard, the person feels quickly judged, and communication does not take place. It was dead before the spew was finished.

The problem with this scenario is that you rob people of their uniqueness. When you tell them you know exactly what the problem is, they tend to want to show you how unique they are. You actually create your own resistance and prevent your skills and even your empathy from making their mark.

When people are talking, you are thinking about you or about what you can do to help them help you. It's a natural thing for us to do, and it forces us to pitch hard and focus on convincing rather than on gaining agreement.

So what do the most effective people do differently?

They make sure the people they are dealing with feel heard and can retain their uniqueness. If you make people feel important, you will be important to them! But an even bigger realization comes from all of this.

When you focus on how people feel about what they are saying, you increase the level of true concern you have for others. You actually start to become the person you thought you were pretending to be: a true leader!

Garrison Wynn, CSP is a nationally known speaker, trainer, and consultant. He is the president and founder of Wynn Solutions, specializing in turning talent into performance.

In The News:

Yahoo! News: Top Stories

Obama announces Clinton, Gates for Cabinet (AP)

AP - President-elect Barack Obama picked a national security team headed by former campaign rival Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bush administration holdover Robert Gates on Monday, and said he wants to consult with military commanders before settling on a firm timetable to withdraw U.S. combat troops from Iraq.

Panel says US has been in recession since Dec. '07 (AP)

AP - The U.S. economy has been in a recession since December 2007, the National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday.

Obama still looks for Iraq pullout in 16 months (AP)

AP - Barack Obama says the U.S.-Iraq security agreement approved by Iraq's parliament puts the U.S. on a "glide path" toward reducing forces there.

Bernanke: further interest-rate cuts 'feasible' (AP)

AP - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Monday that further interest-rate cuts are "certainly feasible," but he warned there are limits to how much such action would revive an economy likely to stay weak well into next year.

Police respond to shooting at Miami mall; 2 hurt (AP)

AP - Authorities responding to a shooting at suburban Miami mall say one person has been shot and taken to a hospital.

Retailers offer deals, discounts on 'Cyber Monday' (AP)

AP - Retailers who saw Thanksgiving holiday sales drop off as the weekend progressed stepped up online promotions on the day known as "Cyber Monday" to try to get consumers tired of the crowds at stores to keep shopping.

India demands 'strong action' from Pakistan (AP)

AP - India demanded Pakistan take "strong action" against those behind the 60-hour siege that left at least 172 people dead, as new details emerged Monday about the gunmen and the survival training that enabled them to thwart Indian commandos.

Sending spam in Israel could mean a big fine (AP)

AP - Israel has gotten fed up with spam. Anyone who sends out messages without receiving the recipient's consent can now be slapped with a big fine.

Tina Fey's husband talks about her facial scar (AP)

AP - Tina Fey's husband is talking about something the "30 Rock" actress would rather not discuss: the scar on her left cheek.

Police investigating hospital in Burress shooting (AP)

AP - Plaxico Burress was led out of a police precinct in handcuffs Monday after surrendering on a weapons possession charge, and authorities said that teammate Antonio Pierce is being investigated over his role in an accidental shooting at a Manhattan nightclub.

Obama names Clinton, Gates to lead foreign policy (Reuters)

Reuters - U.S. President-elect Barack Obama named former rival Hillary Clinton as secretary of state on Monday and said Robert Gates would remain defense secretary in a national security team charged with recasting America's leadership role in the world.

Wall Street stays near lows on Bernanke comments (Reuters)

Reuters - Stocks stayed near session lows on Monday after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the U.S. economy remained under considerable stress.

India demands swift Pakistan action over Mumbai (Reuters)

Reuters - India on Monday demanded Pakistan take swift action over deadly attacks in Mumbai it said were carried out by militants from its rival neighbor.

Bush calls flawed Iraq intelligence biggest regret (Reuters)

Reuters - President George W. Bush said the biggest regret of his presidency was flawed intelligence that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and told ABC "World News" in an interview airing on Monday that he was unprepared for war when he took office.

Thai protesters consolidate hold on airport (Reuters)

Reuters - Thai protesters prepared to end their three-month occupation of the Prime Minister's office on Monday to consolidate their grip on the main airport ahead of a court verdict that could dissolve the elected government.

U.S. in recession as Europe debates spending hikes (Reuters)

Reuters - The U.S. economy has slumped into a recession, the nation's business cycle arbiter declared on Monday, while European leaders clashed over how much public money to spend tackling a deepening downturn.

House to seek about $500 billion economic stimulus (Reuters)

Reuters - Democrats in the House of Representatives likely will seek passage next month of an economic stimulus bill costing about $500 billion, a House Democratic aide said on Monday.

Alabama mayor arrested on corruption charges (Reuters)

Reuters - Federal authorities arrested the mayor of Birmingham, Alabama, on Monday in a corruption probe surrounding a massive sewer bond debt that has forced Jefferson County to the brink of bankruptcy.

Hawkish Obama names Clinton as top diplomat (AFP)

AFP - Barack Obama on Monday nominated Hillary Clinton to be his "tough," "smart" secretary of state and his former foe vowed to give her all to steer America through a perfect storm of global crises.

Mumbai attacks: India demands Pakistan take 'strong action' (AFP)

AFP - India on Monday formally accused "elements" in Pakistan of being behind the devastating Islamic militant attacks in Mumbai and demanded that Islamabad take "strong action".

Listening Like a Leader

Leadership Leadership